Well, it certainly isn’t Fiction. In fact, it’s too mind-numbingly tedious to be anything other than my own sad, sorry tale , best kept to myself and for myself. The Fact is this: I am so terrified, so filled with fear and self-loathing that I dare not think beyond the notion that I am attending my first therapy appointment tomorrow. It is the first positive thing I have done recently in the attempt to rid myself of this scourge that has blighted me all of my life but never worse than it’s been of late. I have little hope and…
FITNESS
Same old, same old
I can scarcely believe that it’s been 10 months since my last post. So much has been happening in my life and not in a good way either. I have not only moved house but I have moved into another area, outside of London where I lived these past 11 years. We have moved into a 523 year old house, on what must be the busiest road in the entire UK – We had no idea that it is the only route to towns and villages west of us and the noise is constant and incessant. Because the house is…
Dying flame or flickering candle?
I’m probably at the most critical point in my life. I feel that I am about to cross over that imperceptible line , the line that when you cross it, you are unaware you’ve crossed over but by which time it is too late anyway, you are lost forever. I feel that I am barely clinging on and quite frankly, I am terrified. I’m terrified because up until this point, I haven’t been able to change things or make a significant difference to my general malaise and constant quandary: how to escape this fortress that I have imprisoned myself in.…
COULD IT BE, continued
4 months ago I wrote that I was going to blog about my current journey of self discovery and recovery. I clearly didn’t abide by my own assurances and all I have now is the benefit of hindsight and the opportunity to reflect upon my behaviour and whether there have been any significant changes to my lifestyle and behaviour. In my most negative state, I could say that I have never been worse, that my stinking thinking and accusatory self-talk has escalated beyond all proportions and that I am chronically disappointed and furious with myself for being such an abysmal…
INVALUABLE
Lord, thou knowest better than I know myself that I am growing older. Keep me from getting too talkative, and thinking I must say something on every subject and on every occasion. Release me from craving to straighten out everybody’s affairs. Teach me the glorious lesson that occasionally it is possible that I may be mistaken. Make me thoughtful, but not moody; helpful, but not bossy; thou knowest, Lord, that what I want most is a few friends at the end. Unknown
BACK ON TRACK?
As with patterns of behaviour in my life, it is no surprise to me that I haven’t written a post for about 6 weeks. This is what I do. I enter into something with great gusto and enthusiam only to let it drizzle down to a soggy blob once the initial spurt of interest and productivity has waned. Its not as though I get bored quickly and replace an activity with something else. Its rather that my rituals and habits have a more insidious and forceful tug and have always been the default setting in my life. This last paragraph…
LOVE THY NEIGHBOUR
Returning to London is a total onslaught. I feel like a kettle drum with an over enthusiastic trainee percussionist beating the living daylights out of me. I have two irksome and problematic, intense dislikes . One is loud noise and the other is inconsideration. I find that as I get older, these issues have magnified and I have to constantly talk myself out of letting anything associated with these bugbears get to me. I try to look at them as challenges that God has presented to me to test how far I am prepared to strive in order to have…
THE ULTIMATE TEST
Examine me, O God, and search me; test my heart and mind. Test and confirm, O Lord, one way or the other who and what I am; search my heart and mind . PSALM 26: 2,3 Let us test ourselves; let us examine our lives and return to the way of the Lord. Let us lift not just our hands to God in heaven but also our hearts. LAMENTATIONS 3: 40,41
MORE THAN A GLIMMER
I’ve come to the end of another sojourn in France and I return to London in a couple of days. I have been more than aware that this time around, my stay in France has been different to previous visits not only because of what I have been doing but because I am feeling different about myself. For the first time , perhaps in my life, I have achieved some of the goals I set myself and I cannot underestimate the significance and the impact this has had on my behaviour. I have managed to reflect without feelings of guilt,…
THE PEN: MIGHTIER THAN THE SWORD?
There is a particular journalist who writes a column for the Sunday Times where she viciously and disdainfully attacks any poor soul towards whom she feels some antagonism. I have latterly stopped reading her column but foolishly decided to read what she had written in today’s paper. She had singled out both Amal Clooney and Meghan Markle and was so thoroughly nasty about both of them that I felt compelled to write a comment at the foot of the article. What I said wasn’t insulting our defaming. I merely stated that it was a pity that someone with this journalist’s…