Well, it certainly isn’t Fiction. In fact, it’s too mind-numbingly tedious to be anything other than my own sad, sorry tale , best kept to myself and for myself. The Fact is this: I am so terrified, so filled with fear and self-loathing that I dare not think beyond the notion that I am attending my first therapy appointment tomorrow. It is the first positive thing I have done recently in the attempt to rid myself of this scourge that has blighted me all of my life but never worse than it’s been of late. I have little hope and…
Emotional
Dying flame or flickering candle?
I’m probably at the most critical point in my life. I feel that I am about to cross over that imperceptible line , the line that when you cross it, you are unaware you’ve crossed over but by which time it is too late anyway, you are lost forever. I feel that I am barely clinging on and quite frankly, I am terrified. I’m terrified because up until this point, I haven’t been able to change things or make a significant difference to my general malaise and constant quandary: how to escape this fortress that I have imprisoned myself in.…
COULD IT BE, continued
4 months ago I wrote that I was going to blog about my current journey of self discovery and recovery. I clearly didn’t abide by my own assurances and all I have now is the benefit of hindsight and the opportunity to reflect upon my behaviour and whether there have been any significant changes to my lifestyle and behaviour. In my most negative state, I could say that I have never been worse, that my stinking thinking and accusatory self-talk has escalated beyond all proportions and that I am chronically disappointed and furious with myself for being such an abysmal…
THE WHEELS OF THE BUS
Sometimes the pool is empty and there is nothing inside. This leads to some dangerous and destructive behaviour in the life of an addict because it is invariably accompanied by a plethora of negative, guilt-ridden, self-doubting inner conversations that only serve to exacerbate and escalate an already unhealthy situation. Yesterday was the same and tomorrow will invariably follow suite. If I know all this, then why don’t/can’t I jolly well do something about it? If I look at it objectively, I get so irritated with myself for this indulgent and useless behaviour and the fact that I haven’t the gumption…