Well, it certainly isn’t Fiction. In fact, it’s too mind-numbingly tedious to be anything other than my own sad, sorry tale , best kept to myself and for myself. The Fact is this: I am so terrified, so filled with fear and self-loathing that I dare not think beyond the notion that I am attending my first therapy appointment tomorrow. It is the first positive thing I have done recently in the attempt to rid myself of this scourge that has blighted me all of my life but never worse than it’s been of late. I have little hope and…
Weight gain challenge
Diary of the practical steps towards gaining weight
Still on the Road
Here I am, a month since my last posting and no further along the track but still very firmly on the road. I have been beset by setbacks. Would you believe that the pain that I was experiencing and wrote about is not only still very apparent and persistent but that I have an added problem to deal with – namely the ongoing teeth saga that I mentioned. I have known for some time that there is an area above my front tooth that was a disaster waiting to happen. Its a cyst that has formed at the base of…
3 Weeks Along
I haven’t written anything these past days due to the most pernicious , continual headaches borne out of the injury at the top of my spine. I have had days of utter despair to disbelief that I am constantly bombarded by issues that I feel are so unjust and unfair. I have rallied against evil forces at work , become a victim feeling sorry for myself – I have vented to God all my disappointment and disbelief that He is doing nothing to help me. I have gone around in circles trying to find justification both in my responses and…
An Ounce of Sense
Two weeks in and I am inching along, literally ounce by ounce. My first thought was to write that I have ONLY put on 0.4 kgs this past week but I am going to change that to state that I have regained nearly half a kilogram and a total of 1.7 kgs in 2 weeks since I started this challenge. Instead of beating myself up for not having gained more, I am going to be happy and grateful that the scale is upwardly mobile and is climbing in the right direction. I may be slow to reach the summit but…
Love Cannot Be Weighed
Scales are usually symbolic in terms of the Scales of Justice; they are balance, equality, justice, and harmony. In terms of FISH, scales are likened to a suit of ARMOR, signifying protection. Umich.edu There is the biblical reference : Acts 9:18 NLT[18] Instantly something like scales fell from Saul’s eyes, and he regained his sight. Then he got up and was baptised . In the kitchen, scales are used for baking in particular, which requires the precision needed for exact quantities. Any budding pianist who takes their craft seriously, would need to practice endless scales to lay the framework for the…
Super Pooper
It has to be mentioned – We are all a bit obsessed with our own – The question of poop! There are those who poop three times a day and then think they are constipated when they only go twice a day. There are those who go once a day with some regularity and don’t think of it much because its no big deal. Then there are some of us perennial dieters for whom being constipated is generally the norm, ranging from going a couple of times a week to only going once a week. Of course there are those…
Day 5
Today was a horrible day. Alongside this weight gain challenge are other hardships and parts of my life that I am trying to negotiate and this morning turned into an emotional issue with members of my family ( unrelated to my ED ) – all resolved, but leaving me with the mother of all headaches that I struggled with the whole day. I suffer from migraines and headaches anyway, but I also injured my cervical vertebrae when lifting my heavy bike to get it through a doorway. I took painkillers all day, applied heat patches and ibuprofen gel to the…
Day 3 and 4
I made the fatal error of weighing myself first thing on Day 3. In 2 short days, I have leapt from 44.1 kgs to 45.4 kgs and being entirely honest, my reaction hasn’t been good. In that split second of looking down at the scale, all my fears were confirmed. I am immediately telling myself that this is what I fear most, this enormous gain after only 2 days and therefore I have already lost control and it will just continue spiralling at an astronomical rate etc etc. I then had the tussle between knowing that I had to eat…
Day One
Feeling excited to start this challenge having reached the conclusion that it is no longer feasible, advantageous or comfortable for me to remain in this limbo of semi-starvation – a prisoner of choices that are causing ructions and distress amongst members of my family because of the way my ED affects them. Some of them laid down the gauntlet and whilst not offering me an ultimatum, inferred that they would prefer me to at least make an effort to change some of the behaviours that they felt were impacting upon them. Of course there is part of me that would…