The word ‘ habit ‘ is sometimes a kinder terminology than ‘ addiction ‘. However, in my case, saying that I have habits is a form of denial because what I actually have is an addiction. This was never more apparent to me than this morning. I had already started to fret about my daily routine/ritual/call it what you will , last night. The tussle began whilst I was eating my dinner. I ‘ over-did ‘ it and ate, horrors of horrors, TWO poached eggs with my 4 brussel sprouts, 2 florets of broccoli, spoonful of corn and slice of butternut. Its…
choices
NEW HORIZONS
Its obvious that in order to elicit change, one has to make an effort to step out of one’s comfort zone. No-one is denying this. Quite often the measures that one needs to take are so simple, so obvious and ordinary and yet, they become this unattainable quest and seemingly impossible. It is only when one takes that first step that one can look back and realise that it only requires a simple decision. However, just stepping out once doesn’t effect any lasting changes or benefits. The key is to continue along this new route until it becomes commonplace and…
THE WHEELS OF THE BUS
Sometimes the pool is empty and there is nothing inside. This leads to some dangerous and destructive behaviour in the life of an addict because it is invariably accompanied by a plethora of negative, guilt-ridden, self-doubting inner conversations that only serve to exacerbate and escalate an already unhealthy situation. Yesterday was the same and tomorrow will invariably follow suite. If I know all this, then why don’t/can’t I jolly well do something about it? If I look at it objectively, I get so irritated with myself for this indulgent and useless behaviour and the fact that I haven’t the gumption…
FOOD FOR THOUGHT
I HAVE A CHOICE This morning I woke up and I was feeling somewhat low. Inexplicable given that I have nothing to feel depressed about ( other than my current apathy ). As always, my choices for the day are exclusively governed by my eating issues. After a larger breakfast than usual ( a few extra slivers of fruit ) I now had this compunction and compulsion to ‘ work it off ‘ – hence the notion of a slightly longer walk than normal. Together with this is the thought that I need to replenish stocks of some of the…
THE KINDNESS CHALLENGE
As has happened numerous times in my life, more times than I could ever calculate, my desire to successfully implement and execute the desire to follow a programme or challenge to myself has backfired. It was all a bit of a damp squib. Not that the earnest desire and good intentions weren’t genuine. They always are but in the end, everything I set out to do takes a backseat to my obsession with food, my rituals and my repeated behaviour. I’m talking specifically about the 30 day Kindness Challenge and the 7 day Kindness quest I set myself. In the…
FOUR WALLS
Every second is a struggle. I won’t apologise for it. Its my struggle and my cross to bear. Do I choose this struggle? Could you argue that it is a direct result of the choices I have made and I am therefore directly responsible and culpable for any suffering that I incur? However, whatever, whenever, – its still happening and real to me . It may not compare , even in the smallest way , to the raw and intense suffering of those with REAL problems but what makes any suffering more real or viable than the next? People with…
DEVOTION
I am still not prepared to make the full and final commitment to implimenting the practical steps that I need to take to elicit the changes I am seeking. I need to be upfront and transparent about the process otherwise the whole point of this blog and writing about my struggles will be worthless and a waste of time. However, what is changing is my recognition and awareness of my problem that is almost becoming a daily reminder. I am trying to discipline myself first in my commitment to posting on my blog and hopefully this process will set the…
PANDORA’S BOX
I loathe shopping. I especially dislike shopping inside a large mall. After about an hour I lose the will to live. There is however, one exception and that is shopping for food. I am passionate about this pastime. I get this feeling of total euphoria, a zone of inner contentment that borders on obsessional. My interest is especially piqued when I am in a foreign country or in an unfamiliar or uncharted food market. I can literally spend hours wandering the aisles not just looking at the merchandise but as a paying consumer, happy to spend a small fortune on…
READ ALL ABOUT IT!
I’ve just been to the library. As a child, this was where I found my solace, my nourishment and my escape. Without a father and with an absent mother, I would spend hours wandering between the shelves, the smell of old books pervading my nostrils and the silence strangely comforting. Without the distraction of television and well before the advent of social media and technology, books ( and the occasional film ) were the only means of escaping into a world of fantasy . Through reading and books I learned how to numb myself , to remove myself from reality…
NOTHING VENTURED, NOTHING GAINED
Today has been a bad day. No different to many hundreds, if not thousands of days like it in my past, but perhaps I am just more aware of what I do thus heightening my negative self talk and disappointment in myself. I have struggled to focus or concentrate on anything , have felt restless and somewhat anxious. Most days I am just numb. I operate on rote – its Groundhog Day over and over again. Being alone exacerbates and increases the behaviour but I am not forced to seek isolation. It’s something I have always been drawn to and…