The old adage ‘ When life gives you lemons, make lemonade ‘ may hold true and for some, they have the ability to turn things around and find the positives in every situation. Sadly, for this melancholic pessimist, things have never looked or felt worse and today, I find myself wanting to simply weep. I feel so desperately low and unable to do anything other than perfunctory tasks , mindless meandering and merely breathing as a way of existence. I start therapy next week. I have waited months and months for this appointment after fruitless searching and research , being…
behaviour
Day 5
Today was a horrible day. Alongside this weight gain challenge are other hardships and parts of my life that I am trying to negotiate and this morning turned into an emotional issue with members of my family ( unrelated to my ED ) – all resolved, but leaving me with the mother of all headaches that I struggled with the whole day. I suffer from migraines and headaches anyway, but I also injured my cervical vertebrae when lifting my heavy bike to get it through a doorway. I took painkillers all day, applied heat patches and ibuprofen gel to the…
Day One
Feeling excited to start this challenge having reached the conclusion that it is no longer feasible, advantageous or comfortable for me to remain in this limbo of semi-starvation – a prisoner of choices that are causing ructions and distress amongst members of my family because of the way my ED affects them. Some of them laid down the gauntlet and whilst not offering me an ultimatum, inferred that they would prefer me to at least make an effort to change some of the behaviours that they felt were impacting upon them. Of course there is part of me that would…
COULD IT BE, continued
4 months ago I wrote that I was going to blog about my current journey of self discovery and recovery. I clearly didn’t abide by my own assurances and all I have now is the benefit of hindsight and the opportunity to reflect upon my behaviour and whether there have been any significant changes to my lifestyle and behaviour. In my most negative state, I could say that I have never been worse, that my stinking thinking and accusatory self-talk has escalated beyond all proportions and that I am chronically disappointed and furious with myself for being such an abysmal…
COULD IT BE?
I decided to post my last entry that was actually written in March and not on today’s date, the 25th June. I think I would have posted it anyway but the sentiment of hope that I clung onto in the post has crystallised and grown through my recent behaviour and somewhat tentative progress. All the while, writing these posts these past years, I have been acutely aware that talking about issues without the practical implementation of those wants and needs , is fundamentally useless. If I desire to change and in so doing to perhaps help or influence others with…
MORE THAN A GLIMMER
I’ve come to the end of another sojourn in France and I return to London in a couple of days. I have been more than aware that this time around, my stay in France has been different to previous visits not only because of what I have been doing but because I am feeling different about myself. For the first time , perhaps in my life, I have achieved some of the goals I set myself and I cannot underestimate the significance and the impact this has had on my behaviour. I have managed to reflect without feelings of guilt,…
GREY MATTER
I’m still in France and before I came over this time, I had set myself 3 goals: 1) To play the piano 2) to learn French and 3) to write that book that I have been thinking about for approximately 15 years. So far so good. I am on Chapter 4 of my book, I am playing the piano and revisiting old melodies that I haven’t played since I left school and I have finally begun learning French via an App called Babbel. Having self-disciple as I have previously mooted is not something that I have exercised much in my…
VAPIDITY
Whenever I haven’t posted for a while it is fairly guaranteed that I am facing yet another struggle with my demons. Of course there are times when I am ortherwise occupied and unable to sit down and write, – in my case, its usually when I have people around. I am in France and my family have been over here on holiday. However, I can’t use them as an excuse because they returned to the UK a week ago and despite resolving to continue writing, I have been unable to do so. Amidst my blog musings I have been trying…
THE MIRROR CRACKED
Why is it that I can be so utterly dedicated and disciplined when it comes to my dietary subsistence and yet so rubbish at all other forms of discipline? Take this blog as an example. I have established to myself that I love to write, that it ticks several boxes for me. Whether I have any talent or not is a moot point. My subject matter should be irrelevant as long as I am actually writing. However, this leads me to question whether my dominant preoccupation with self and my obsession with food-related issues is a two-edged sword. It gives…
FROZEN- figurative or literal ?
The word ‘ habit ‘ is sometimes a kinder terminology than ‘ addiction ‘. However, in my case, saying that I have habits is a form of denial because what I actually have is an addiction. This was never more apparent to me than this morning. I had already started to fret about my daily routine/ritual/call it what you will , last night. The tussle began whilst I was eating my dinner. I ‘ over-did ‘ it and ate, horrors of horrors, TWO poached eggs with my 4 brussel sprouts, 2 florets of broccoli, spoonful of corn and slice of butternut. Its…