At some point or even at several points in one’s life one will ask or be asked the question : “ Did you ever imagine your life would turn out the way it has? “ I don’t know what the statistics are but there are a few responses one could have. If one is fortunate enough to have had goals in mind, planned them meticulously and been able to bring them to fruition, hats off to those select individuals. Others may have gone where the wind has taken them and been perfectly happy with the outcome. Those with plans may…
change
Fact, Fantasy or Fiction?
Well, it certainly isn’t Fiction. In fact, it’s too mind-numbingly tedious to be anything other than my own sad, sorry tale , best kept to myself and for myself. The Fact is this: I am so terrified, so filled with fear and self-loathing that I dare not think beyond the notion that I am attending my first therapy appointment tomorrow. It is the first positive thing I have done recently in the attempt to rid myself of this scourge that has blighted me all of my life but never worse than it’s been of late. I have little hope and…
3 Weeks Along
I haven’t written anything these past days due to the most pernicious , continual headaches borne out of the injury at the top of my spine. I have had days of utter despair to disbelief that I am constantly bombarded by issues that I feel are so unjust and unfair. I have rallied against evil forces at work , become a victim feeling sorry for myself – I have vented to God all my disappointment and disbelief that He is doing nothing to help me. I have gone around in circles trying to find justification both in my responses and…
Love Cannot Be Weighed
Scales are usually symbolic in terms of the Scales of Justice; they are balance, equality, justice, and harmony. In terms of FISH, scales are likened to a suit of ARMOR, signifying protection. Umich.edu There is the biblical reference : Acts 9:18 NLT[18] Instantly something like scales fell from Saul’s eyes, and he regained his sight. Then he got up and was baptised . In the kitchen, scales are used for baking in particular, which requires the precision needed for exact quantities. Any budding pianist who takes their craft seriously, would need to practice endless scales to lay the framework for the…
Day One
Feeling excited to start this challenge having reached the conclusion that it is no longer feasible, advantageous or comfortable for me to remain in this limbo of semi-starvation – a prisoner of choices that are causing ructions and distress amongst members of my family because of the way my ED affects them. Some of them laid down the gauntlet and whilst not offering me an ultimatum, inferred that they would prefer me to at least make an effort to change some of the behaviours that they felt were impacting upon them. Of course there is part of me that would…
WHAT IF?
I stop dwelling on my bad points and weaknesses? I believe there is positivity to be found in every situation? I can accept myself despite all my failures and inertia? I am able to discover changes within that I have refused to regard as significant? What if I don’t have to change so radially first to be able to accept myself? What if accepting myself is the only change I need right now ? What if loving myself is all that is required to place me on the first rung of that ladder to liberation? What if ? ………
COULD IT BE?
I decided to post my last entry that was actually written in March and not on today’s date, the 25th June. I think I would have posted it anyway but the sentiment of hope that I clung onto in the post has crystallised and grown through my recent behaviour and somewhat tentative progress. All the while, writing these posts these past years, I have been acutely aware that talking about issues without the practical implementation of those wants and needs , is fundamentally useless. If I desire to change and in so doing to perhaps help or influence others with…
VAPIDITY
Whenever I haven’t posted for a while it is fairly guaranteed that I am facing yet another struggle with my demons. Of course there are times when I am ortherwise occupied and unable to sit down and write, – in my case, its usually when I have people around. I am in France and my family have been over here on holiday. However, I can’t use them as an excuse because they returned to the UK a week ago and despite resolving to continue writing, I have been unable to do so. Amidst my blog musings I have been trying…