At some point or even at several points in one’s life one will ask or be asked the question : “ Did you ever imagine your life would turn out the way it has? “ I don’t know what the statistics are but there are a few responses one could have. If one is fortunate enough to have had goals in mind, planned them meticulously and been able to bring them to fruition, hats off to those select individuals. Others may have gone where the wind has taken them and been perfectly happy with the outcome. Those with plans may…
choices
CLOUDY LEMONADE
The old adage ‘ When life gives you lemons, make lemonade ‘ may hold true and for some, they have the ability to turn things around and find the positives in every situation. Sadly, for this melancholic pessimist, things have never looked or felt worse and today, I find myself wanting to simply weep. I feel so desperately low and unable to do anything other than perfunctory tasks , mindless meandering and merely breathing as a way of existence. I start therapy next week. I have waited months and months for this appointment after fruitless searching and research , being…
3 Weeks Along
I haven’t written anything these past days due to the most pernicious , continual headaches borne out of the injury at the top of my spine. I have had days of utter despair to disbelief that I am constantly bombarded by issues that I feel are so unjust and unfair. I have rallied against evil forces at work , become a victim feeling sorry for myself – I have vented to God all my disappointment and disbelief that He is doing nothing to help me. I have gone around in circles trying to find justification both in my responses and…
Day One
Feeling excited to start this challenge having reached the conclusion that it is no longer feasible, advantageous or comfortable for me to remain in this limbo of semi-starvation – a prisoner of choices that are causing ructions and distress amongst members of my family because of the way my ED affects them. Some of them laid down the gauntlet and whilst not offering me an ultimatum, inferred that they would prefer me to at least make an effort to change some of the behaviours that they felt were impacting upon them. Of course there is part of me that would…
COULD IT BE?
I decided to post my last entry that was actually written in March and not on today’s date, the 25th June. I think I would have posted it anyway but the sentiment of hope that I clung onto in the post has crystallised and grown through my recent behaviour and somewhat tentative progress. All the while, writing these posts these past years, I have been acutely aware that talking about issues without the practical implementation of those wants and needs , is fundamentally useless. If I desire to change and in so doing to perhaps help or influence others with…
BRAVE NEW WORLD?
One of the hardest things one faces when one has left one’s country of birth and settled in another far-away land, is that one is unable to support those left behind in times of need. The world is so accessible now and this has led to fragmented families as more of us choose to pursue our lives elsewhere. There are so many parents and grandparents who have to conduct their relationships and witness their grandchildren growing up via Skype or FaceTime. How many little kids think that their granny and grandpa live in their mom’s IPad? Its a sad fact…
MORE THAN A GLIMMER
I’ve come to the end of another sojourn in France and I return to London in a couple of days. I have been more than aware that this time around, my stay in France has been different to previous visits not only because of what I have been doing but because I am feeling different about myself. For the first time , perhaps in my life, I have achieved some of the goals I set myself and I cannot underestimate the significance and the impact this has had on my behaviour. I have managed to reflect without feelings of guilt,…
GREY MATTER
I’m still in France and before I came over this time, I had set myself 3 goals: 1) To play the piano 2) to learn French and 3) to write that book that I have been thinking about for approximately 15 years. So far so good. I am on Chapter 4 of my book, I am playing the piano and revisiting old melodies that I haven’t played since I left school and I have finally begun learning French via an App called Babbel. Having self-disciple as I have previously mooted is not something that I have exercised much in my…
VAPIDITY
Whenever I haven’t posted for a while it is fairly guaranteed that I am facing yet another struggle with my demons. Of course there are times when I am ortherwise occupied and unable to sit down and write, – in my case, its usually when I have people around. I am in France and my family have been over here on holiday. However, I can’t use them as an excuse because they returned to the UK a week ago and despite resolving to continue writing, I have been unable to do so. Amidst my blog musings I have been trying…
THE MIRROR CRACKED
Why is it that I can be so utterly dedicated and disciplined when it comes to my dietary subsistence and yet so rubbish at all other forms of discipline? Take this blog as an example. I have established to myself that I love to write, that it ticks several boxes for me. Whether I have any talent or not is a moot point. My subject matter should be irrelevant as long as I am actually writing. However, this leads me to question whether my dominant preoccupation with self and my obsession with food-related issues is a two-edged sword. It gives…