The old adage ‘ When life gives you lemons, make lemonade ‘ may hold true and for some, they have the ability to turn things around and find the positives in every situation. Sadly, for this melancholic pessimist, things have never looked or felt worse and today, I find myself wanting to simply weep. I feel so desperately low and unable to do anything other than perfunctory tasks , mindless meandering and merely breathing as a way of existence. I start therapy next week. I have waited months and months for this appointment after fruitless searching and research , being…
food
3 Weeks Along
I haven’t written anything these past days due to the most pernicious , continual headaches borne out of the injury at the top of my spine. I have had days of utter despair to disbelief that I am constantly bombarded by issues that I feel are so unjust and unfair. I have rallied against evil forces at work , become a victim feeling sorry for myself – I have vented to God all my disappointment and disbelief that He is doing nothing to help me. I have gone around in circles trying to find justification both in my responses and…
One week down.
I weighed myself this morning , day 8, and it was interesting to note that I have remained at 45.4kgs as per day 3. This is a clear indication that I am once again, maintaining a certain weight without increasing my food take sufficiently to put on more . I need to up my game if I am to steadily increase per week. Of course part of me is relieved that it didn’t spiral as I feared but strangely enough, I am disappointed that I haven’t picked up a bit more because I am struggling as it is with food…
Day One
Feeling excited to start this challenge having reached the conclusion that it is no longer feasible, advantageous or comfortable for me to remain in this limbo of semi-starvation – a prisoner of choices that are causing ructions and distress amongst members of my family because of the way my ED affects them. Some of them laid down the gauntlet and whilst not offering me an ultimatum, inferred that they would prefer me to at least make an effort to change some of the behaviours that they felt were impacting upon them. Of course there is part of me that would…
THE MIRROR CRACKED
Why is it that I can be so utterly dedicated and disciplined when it comes to my dietary subsistence and yet so rubbish at all other forms of discipline? Take this blog as an example. I have established to myself that I love to write, that it ticks several boxes for me. Whether I have any talent or not is a moot point. My subject matter should be irrelevant as long as I am actually writing. However, this leads me to question whether my dominant preoccupation with self and my obsession with food-related issues is a two-edged sword. It gives…
SURVIVAL!!
Since admitting to my obsession with food I have been wondering if we aren’t all capable of being somewhat more interested and invested in our food consumption than is considered healthy or necessary. There is a global epidemic of obesity and its related health implications. Would those who over-consume have the same unnatural preoccupation with food as do those who under-consume? This got me thinking about the role of food throughout the ages, the value placed on it and the means of locating/ purchasing/ finding this life-sustaining commodity. I thought it might be interesting to draw up some comparisons/differences between…
DEVOTION
I am still not prepared to make the full and final commitment to implimenting the practical steps that I need to take to elicit the changes I am seeking. I need to be upfront and transparent about the process otherwise the whole point of this blog and writing about my struggles will be worthless and a waste of time. However, what is changing is my recognition and awareness of my problem that is almost becoming a daily reminder. I am trying to discipline myself first in my commitment to posting on my blog and hopefully this process will set the…
BROWNIES
2 days ago I decided to make a heathy version of some brownies naturally sweetened with dates instead of cane sugar. I had also read that you can make brownies with beetroot as an ingredient but was more intrigued with the idea of adding aduki beans instead. I didn’t have a tinned version of the beans and I had to therefore soak the dried beans overnight.( This recipe might necessitate some forward planning.) After soaking the beans for 10-12 hours you then have to boil them rapidly for 10 minutes and remove the scum that forms on top before allowing…
PANDORA’S BOX
I loathe shopping. I especially dislike shopping inside a large mall. After about an hour I lose the will to live. There is however, one exception and that is shopping for food. I am passionate about this pastime. I get this feeling of total euphoria, a zone of inner contentment that borders on obsessional. My interest is especially piqued when I am in a foreign country or in an unfamiliar or uncharted food market. I can literally spend hours wandering the aisles not just looking at the merchandise but as a paying consumer, happy to spend a small fortune on…