I am still not prepared to make the full and final commitment to implimenting the practical steps that I need to take to elicit the changes I am seeking. I need to be upfront and transparent about the process otherwise the whole point of this blog and writing about my struggles will be worthless and a waste of time. However, what is changing is my recognition and awareness of my problem that is almost becoming a daily reminder. I am trying to discipline myself first in my commitment to posting on my blog and hopefully this process will set the clogged cogs in my brain into motion enabling a positive way forward. I’ve made promises before, always sincerely and in earnest but time and time again these pledges fade away and amount to nought. This leads to the guilt, the self recrimination and self-sabotaging and the cycle is nauseatingly repeated, yet again.
I think about food , ALL THE TIME. I constantly plan the next meal. I know exactly what is in the fridge and how I am going to prepare the food. I am ashamed and embarrassed by how much energy, time and attention I devote to this subject. That adage : We should eat to live, not live to eat , plays around in my head. If you are going to live to eat, then for goodness sake love to eat as well! I live to almost not-eat but I love nothing more than thinking about/shopping for/ preparing and cooking food. Its mind-bogglingly crazy!! Whats more , its incredibly monotonous and boring ( for others ). Its such a waste of precious time and yet its my drug of choice.
The whole time I am typing this I am looking at the time and thinking about heading into the kitchen to prepare dinner. Tonight is a veggie night. I alternate the nights : Salad night one night, vegetable night the next. I couldn’t even begin to get into the nitty gritty of the rituals yet. That would be the full confirmation of just how entrenched my habits are and just how much they hold me captive.
