Why is it that I can be so utterly dedicated and disciplined when it comes to my dietary subsistence and yet so rubbish at all other forms of discipline? Take this blog as an example. I have established to myself that I love to write, that it ticks several boxes for me. Whether I have any talent or not is a moot point. My subject matter should be irrelevant as long as I am actually writing. However, this leads me to question whether my dominant preoccupation with self and my obsession with food-related issues is a two-edged sword. It gives me a source and a reason to write and yet , due to my modus operandi its the very thing that prevents me from writing when I am in that downward spiral of denial and avoidance of the very subject I am writing about. I feel that in order to heal and to make changes I have to deal with the major stumbling blocks in my life – those things that hinder and impede my growth and development. However, writing about this now raises this thought that perhaps it may not even be that imperative. If I choose to write, per se, and as long as I am filling my days with something other than numbing , predictive, repetitive and destructive, ritualistic behaviour pertaining to my food consumption, then that in itself, the act of writing, would surely be healing and therapeutic? The subject matter would not be the criterion. The key might be to so get into the zone that it becomes the norm and replaces all the unhealthy , inward , negative self talk and thinking. Everyone knows that being busy and having a focus other than self is one of the ways to move away from introspection and the downward spiral of self-harm. Despite most addicts saying that they hate themselves, that they don’t want to go on, that they loathe the harm they cause not only to themselves but to others, yet hating oneself doesn’t mean that we aren’t narcissistic in a warped and roundabout way. By withdrawing from society and retreating into our lives of habitual and destructive behaviour, we aren’t doing the world a favour by isolating ourselves. We could choose instead to see what we could do for others, to focus on the needs of others instead of choosing to focus on our own needs. However much we say we disdain and abhor our behaviour, by wallowing in it we are actually tending only to that ‘ need ‘ in ourselves. If I am blatantly honest with myself, I am being incredibly self-centred and self-absorbed. Even as I write this and as much as it irritates me, I know that this is true for me.
Even questioning this, just writing as I am, has lifted me and given me some momentum, if not purpose. Yes, it is still introspective and self-focused but hopefully, in time, provided I stick to it and keep at it, it will morph into something more meaningful and become a way for me to reach out and connect with others, leaving some of my demons on the road to nowhere.
