Whenever I haven’t posted for a while it is fairly guaranteed that I am facing yet another struggle with my demons. Of course there are times when I am ortherwise occupied and unable to sit down and write, – in my case, its usually when I have people around. I am in France and my family have been over here on holiday. However, I can’t use them as an excuse because they returned to the UK a week ago and despite resolving to continue writing, I have been unable to do so. Amidst my blog musings I have been trying to commit to writing that elusive novel I have drawn reference to for about 15 years. I started it some years ago and I have done a little research on some of my themes as well as some more writing but its not enough to facilitate a full commitment and earnestness about the task.
Yet again I am so irritated by my bleatings about my inertia and yet I still continue to bob and weave amidst the waves as I struggle to remain afloat on my sea of broken promises. Its the same old cycle of missed opportunities, self doubt, paralysis and regrets – all self induced and by choice. I could argue that I am bound , a slave to a cycle of self-destruction but no-one is holding a gun to my head. I have the perfect situation : I am alone and have the freedom to do anything I please; I have a great environment in which to write with no interruptions; my surroundings are idyllic with no constraints on my time and I have all the tools of the trade at my disposal. Yet I lack the passion, the impetus and the discipline to really get my teeth stuck into something. I’m like a flabby and flaccid lump of useless matter that is serving no purpose in a practical sense of the word.
I certainly don’t feel sorry for myself – just angry and annoyed at how pathetic I sound. I have so much to give and have been so privileged and blessed throughout my life and have therefore no cause to behave the way I do. Its actually shameless and goes against my inherent beliefs – its almost sinful the way I waste and exploit the time I have on my hands by being so unproductive. However, I also realise that this negative self-perception and figurative self-bashing and public shaming is equally not productive or helpful in eliciting any changes within. Rather it just fuels the fires of regret, guilt and self-disgust which leads to further self-recriminations – ad infinitum.
What if I change tack and learn to be more gentle with myself and accept my failures with forgiveness instead of an accusing heart? Isn’t this intrinsic to my Christian ideology? After all, no matter what the content, I am actually writing right now and this has to be on the plus side. Clearly my responses and feelings haven’t been helpful or constructive in the past so by looking at myself in a different manner perhaps this will provoke a different outcome. It remains to be seen.
