I’ve come to the end of another sojourn in France and I return to London in a couple of days. I have been more than aware that this time around, my stay in France has been different to previous visits not only because of what I have been doing but because I am feeling different about myself. For the first time , perhaps in my life, I have achieved some of the goals I set myself and I cannot underestimate the significance and the impact this has had on my behaviour. I have managed to reflect without feelings of guilt, worthlessness, uselessness and whatever other negative arrows I normally use to pierce my already tattered self-worth and esteem. I seem to have gained a certain confidence and I’m starting to see myself in a different light and its all down to the simple step and choice that I made to stick to some resolutions and to be productive. I’m astounded at the effect something so relatively small and innocuous can have on one’s whole attitude and demeanour.
I have now completed Chapter 10 of that book that I have always lamely said that I would like to start writing. Right now, it doesn’t matter to me if the book never gets published, if its pure drivel and not worth the paper its written on. What matters is that the desire and discipline are enforced and that it has already been so profitable in bringing me great pleasure and all the extra benefits that come alongside it. My piano playing and French online language lessons have been sporadic but equally pleasurable. In between I have had some amazing walks and have been enjoying the change of season as summer approaches. I feel so utterly blessed, enriched and at peace.
I realised one other thing. All these years I have focussed only on my eating rituals and how I am going to have to change them before I can do other things in my life. Perhaps I have got the order wrong all these years. Maybe change is needed elsewhere before I can tackle the food issues. Maybe I won’t even have to consciously deal with them – they may just fall away or decrease as a result of different behaviour in other areas of my life leading to an altered perception and focus. Perhaps that which had previously been deemed so important will become more insignificant as my life takes on new meaning and new direction.
I may be grasping at straws – I may be avoiding . Whatever I am doing it must be working because I feel pretty darn good.
