As with patterns of behaviour in my life, it is no surprise to me that I haven’t written a post for about 6 weeks. This is what I do. I enter into something with great gusto and enthusiam only to let it drizzle down to a soggy blob once the initial spurt of interest and productivity has waned. Its not as though I get bored quickly and replace an activity with something else. Its rather that my rituals and habits have a more insidious and forceful tug and have always been the default setting in my life.
This last paragraph was written on the 28th June. Today is the 12th July. It only goes to further illustrate what I wrote. Of course I have convenient excuses: I’m in France and family and friends were visiting so I haven’t had the time to write – ( This is actually true ). My other plausible excuse is that I am currently writing my book ( although this too has been temporarily put on hold whilst the house has had guests ). The last guest left yesterday so I have no more excuses other than inertia. I cannot let this come to the fore. If I manage my time properly, then I will be able to write both the book and my blog. The longer I leave it, the more likely that I will abort all these efforts and the cycle of self-destruction will merely continue ad boring infinitum. I’m sick of my repetitive behaviour. I’m bored with it all and cannot envisage a future without some concerted effort and some significant changes. Everything I have written about in this regard will seem disingenuos and insincere unless it elicits change. I’m still locked in, severely so. I feel so ashamed to admit it. When there are people around, I tend to cut back even more on my eating and lose more weight. In one sense ( the only one ) at least my ritualistic, repetitive eating keeps me at the same weight.
Now I am going to put myself on the line and divulge my weight for the first time. Its the only way that I can think of to spur me into action because it no longer becomes my guilty little secret and it may hold me more accountable for it. I currently weigh 46.1 kgs. This translates as 101 pounds or 7.2 stone. My height is 1.67 m which is 5 feet 6 inches. If one looks at BMI recommendations : Less than 18.5 is underweight, 18.5 – 24.9 is normal, 25 – 30 is overweight and above 30 is obese. My BMI is 16.5. The recommended healthy weight for my height is between 51.6 and 69.4 kgs. If I were to attain the minimim suggested healthy weight for my height, I would need to put on 5 and a half kilograms or 12 pounds ( nearly a stone ).
Right now , this is about as achievable for me as swimming the channel. However, if I wish to be healthy , then this is what I should do.
I’m writing this right now with about as much subjectivity as a robot. I see it all intellectually but as of yet the full realisation is not yet apparent. However, I feel this is a great stride even daring to write about it and to put these various statistics down on paper.
Several months ago I wrote a blog asking when does the penny drop? I’m still asking myself that question. If this blog is ever going to help anyone in a similar postion, then only action will suffice. Words are empty promises, I know that better than most. For now, they are all I have to offer . The only thing that is real here is my honesty. If I don’t begin with that , then there is little point continuing, actions taken or not.
I’m feeing pretty dry right now and rather depressed. Lets see what the next weeks reveal. I won’t make any predictions and certainly no promises. I’ll leave it at that.
