4 months ago I wrote that I was going to blog about my current journey of self discovery and recovery. I clearly didn’t abide by my own assurances and all I have now is the benefit of hindsight and the opportunity to reflect upon my behaviour and whether there have been any significant changes to my lifestyle and behaviour. In my most negative state, I could say that I have never been worse, that my stinking thinking and accusatory self-talk has escalated beyond all proportions and that I am chronically disappointed and furious with myself for being such an abysmal failure. On the opposite side of the spectrum ( and listening to my therapist’s attempts to help me recognise the small steps ) I could say that I have gained some weight – be it minimal, ( 4 kgs since my last bout of pneumonia and approximately 2 kgs since starting therapy ) and I have stuck with the therapy. I finished the book I have been writing but have been unable to apply myself to tackle the impossible task of editing it. Unfortunately, I am still and have always been an all or nothing person. I can see only the extremes on the spectrum and see progress only as the finished and perfect result. We all know that absolute perfection does not exist . In my world and way of thinking, if this is so, then there is only one alternative and that is what is diametrically the opposite, complete failure – the worst of the worst . I’m doomed before I start so I may as well not even try. Small steps are not good enough . There is not enough in them to amount to anywhere close to this intrinsic goal so why even bother patting myself on the back for steps that don’t take me immediately where I want to go? How bizarre is this thinking? I sabotage myself before I have left the starting block. What is puzzling is why do I do this? I once read that one’s behaviour is repeated if it suits one and as long as we keep doing something , its feeding something inside of us. What is it in me that keeps me tenaciously holding on to a school of thought that holds me back and prevents me from moving on? As miserable as I am, do I , in some perverse way, enjoy being stuck and kept prisoner by my negative outlook and perception of self? Even as I write this I am so filled with self-loathing and so irritated by my endless chant that if I could, I would want to slap myself into reality. Yet , still I remain in this catatonic state.
I wonder if people are made to either be positive and upbeat, to see the bright side, good in others and not dwell on things that aren’t optimal. Or are there those of us who are destined to be melancholic. To wallow a little and to tend towards misery and the melodramatic. Whilst I always put on a sunny front for everyone else, when I am alone and if I’m not numb, then I am troubled and unhappy with myself , filled with these dark, self recriminating thoughts.
I think this all leads back to where I began, the reason I started this blog. I wanted to change the behaviours of a lifetime. I never fully appreciated how difficult this would be, that the more ingrained they are, the harder it would be to address them let alone alter them or eradicate them. Added to this is one’s natural personality and characteristics that are in-built and hard wired. If one cannot be someone else, wouldn’t it be better to learn first to accept oneself , to look at one’s idiosyncrasies and behaviour more kindly and accept them as being necessary in the past or at this present time. In so doing, does this give on a better shot at changing them if they no longer perform a specific function or bring comfort any longer ? Could one view them differently if one saw them as necessary for a reason and therefore not as destructive as one imagines?
I still have more questions than answers. I’m not making any more promises or predictions. What I do know is that writing about this and raising my conscious awareness is infinitely preferable to my mental paralysis. I’m holding onto an extremely thin thread. I don’t know if I will maintain my grip or let it go.
