“ A man who fears suffering is already suffering from what he fears. “
Michel de Montaigne
I’ve been thinking recently about the concept of suffering. I am a white, middle class woman and have never known what it is to experience hunger or homelessness. I have never been in a situation where I had no money to pay the rent or to feed my family. I have never been destitute or cast aside by my family and friends . I don’t know how it feels to belong to an ethnic minority being ostracised, persecuted or abused for my skin colour, my faith or my culture. Whilst I may show compassion or empathise with those undergoing suffering or pain attributed to extreme situations or conditions, yet there is the assumption that unless I experience the same or similar hardships, then I am not qualified to grasp what it means to suffer.
Could this be the explanation as to why I always feel that I have to make an excuse for any pain or suffering that I may be feeling because given my relatively idyllic circumstances I have no right to even mention that I may be suffering at all? Why do I feel that I have to compare my suffering with those whose circumstances are truly dire? Does one have to be on the bottom rung of the ladder to entitle one to suffer? Is there a list of the criteria that constitute true suffering and unless one can tick all the boxes, you have no right to call anything you are going through suffering?
I constantly feel guilty when I feel any ongoing emotional or physical pain from any source that elicits some form of suffering for me. I feel I have to make excuses and apologise for feeling as I do because I have no right to feel the same way as someone who is TRULY suffering. I feel bad even mentioning that I am suffering because there are so many people who have far worse situations, more burdens to bear, are facing terminal illnesses, are literally on the streets – I could go on and on.
Yes, all of the above statements are true and one should always be mindful of those less fortunate than oneself but if one believes one is suffering, then the acknowledgment of the plight of others doesn’t necessarily alleviate or remove one’s own pain and suffering. Surely therefore, all suffering is relative to one’s own experiences and comparing one’s own suffering to another in completely different circumstances is like comparing mammals to reptiles. It serves little purpose other than to acknowledge that both exist.
Would it not be better to appreciate that we all at some time or other will experience suffering and that the form or cause of that suffering is therefore only relevant to the sufferer? There may be degrees of suffering but can one really say that one is worse than the other? I am not talking here about the very worst form of torture and abuse at the hands of another. This is pain and suffering on another level.
“ Suffering by nature or by chance never seems so painful as suffering inflicted on us by the arbitrary will of another “
Arthur Schopenhauer
If by suffering , we experience humility ; if by suffering we learn to reach out to others ; if through suffering we are able to feel gratitude for the times when we feel some respite from the pain, then surely, no matter what form of suffering we endure, however trivial or inconsequential it may be perceived by others, within the confines of our individual lives and circumstances we might all be able to accept one’s sufferings as a collective human condition.
Pain is pain. In the eye or mind of the beholder it is valid and real. We do not ask to be born into comfortable or abhorrent circumstances. Whether through no fault of our own or through choices we have made, we find ourselves experiencing and living our lives within the parameters of our present situation. Everything that we feel is relative to our current conditions. Yes, those of us who have been dealt a better pack of cards can certainly reach out to others less fortunate than ourselves. Victor Hugo said: “ it is by suffering that human beings become angels “ This is only true if we are able or willing to allow our suffering to produce in us some form of a positive causal effect. Yes, those of us experiencing what is regarded a more tolerable and comfortable form of suffering should be in a better position to reach out to those who may not have the means or the luxury to explore the so called benefits arising from our suffering. But we should never diminish or disregard the validity or justification for feeling the way we do .
