I’m probably at the most critical point in my life. I feel that I am about to cross over that imperceptible line , the line that when you cross it, you are unaware you’ve crossed over but by which time it is too late anyway, you are lost forever. I feel that I am barely clinging on and quite frankly, I am terrified. I’m terrified because up until this point, I haven’t been able to change things or make a significant difference to my general malaise and constant quandary: how to escape this fortress that I have imprisoned myself in. All the reasons for setting up this blog in the first place still remain and instead of advancing incrementally on an upward trajectory as desired and hoped for, I have sunk to the lowest regions possible.
I’ll just come out with it. I am at the lowest body weight in my adult life. Even after the worst pneumonia I’ve experienced, when I was so ill that I was unable to eat, I am less now than I was then. I’m not even sure what has happened this time. I have no plausible reason for this added weight loss other than its full-blown anorexia that has taken hold and is causing my demise. The subject has almost become taboo in my family , so long have they been used to my low body weight and eating issues. The irony is that my eldest daughter is fighting the same battles but she has taken the step to seek treatment in an effort to overcome this scourge of a disease. I spend time being anxious about her, encouraging her, supporting her but in so doing, all I am doing is avoiding my own issues by focusing on her.
I am so stuck. I have tried therapy many times and not once, has any of it had any significant affect. All the talking in the world, all the admittances , the knowledge, the transparencies and verbalisation have not sustained anything other than a small and temporary weight gain that slowly starts sliding backwards as soon as that particular block of therapy has reached an end. Of course it should never halt until there is a sustainable and maintainable proof of a successful health outcome but due to the exorbitant , prohibitive cost of talking therapies, it’s inevitable that paid help for the condition is finite and very limited.
However, Its the evidence of this weight loss that is causing me the most concern. It’s a new realisation to me but it’s becoming more and more apparent daily. It is the insidious erosion of my brain that has manifested itself in my daily living. Not only is my memory becoming more erratic and problematic in that my recall of anything is probably around ten present but I am unable to focus on anything other than food , ironic as this may sound. I am clearly so starved and this means that my brain is starved alongside my body. Physically, I still push myself to have a least a walk a day but I am finding this harder to maintain and I’ve noticed that my physical capabilities are diminishing along with my mental alacrity. I am physically depleted , lacking energy or drive and its little wonder when you consider that I am so underfed that that I am running on empty. Yet despite the obvious damage that I am doing to my body and brain, I am powerless to change . When I do try to eat more, I feel physically ill because my body is so used to small quantities of food that it struggles to cope with extra loading. What I do eat is still relatively healthy but I have noticed that I have cut back on the fruit that I used to eat because I have been skipping breakfast most days now. By the end of the day I am so hungry that I eat a fairly normal ‘ healthy ‘ dinner , still unable to break my post dinner habit of a few teaspoons of ice cream and a couple of squares of chocolate. My mindset is still entrenched in the theory that in order to partake of a few ‘ illicit ‘ foods that I enjoy, I need to starve myself at other times so that I don’t put on any weight.
Lets talk about this ‘ putting on weight ‘ concept. It’s baloney because in my case, it’s restoring the weight I’ve lost and there is plenty of it that can safely be added before I even get near a weight that is considered the minimal weight someone of my stature and age should be weighing. But in my warped and starved brain, putting on weight is putting on weight and this is something to be avoided at all costs. I still haven’t figured out why I fear it so much. I have always said because I fear it will spiral out of control and I won’t be able to stop or control it. However, I know that I will NEVER be fat or even overweight so why am I so paranoid and scared? If I know that I can only gain ( ha ha ) by being fitter, more energetic, healthier, probably look better and enjoy life so much more, then what crazy insanity prevents me from doing the only thing that can make all of these positive things transpire? The answer is obvious. It must be a mental illness – which anorexia clearly is.
I could go on and on but its all rather tedious and has been said over and over again, certainly in my case. I can see things objectively, I am aware of the research, the literature and the proven facts . I can fit my profile into most of the boxes. There are patterns, behaviours, idiosyncrasies and physical manifestations of my illness. Whilst I don’t have any expectations or entitlements when it comes to getting treatment, yet there have been times when I have reached out and asked for help, all to no avail because our health service just doesn’t have the funds or the resources. Because there is this assumption that this is a choice I have made and weight loss is not a real medical problem, it is always put on the back burner and not considered urgent until one collapses and is hospitalised. I too, feel ashamed and reluctant to ask for help for the same reasons. I once received therapy that was helpful in other areas of my life but didn’t really touch on my eating issues. Then there was the time recently, when I paid a fortune for private therapy , specifically targeting and aimed at my anorexia. Besides helping me to put on a measly 2 kilograms ( which were lost once the therapy was ‘ over ‘ ), all it did is make me bitter that someone could charge so much for each session without any conclusive or positive results. Forgive me for my scepticism but it didn’t work for me.
What then is the solution? I could extrapolate from the fact that I am writing this that it might be the start of some awakening. But then again, I have written about this on and off since I started the blog some years ago and I have actually gone from bad to worse. Further more, this is the first thing that I have written for 10 months so I have to admit to myself that I am good at ignoring any effort that is required in order to heal. I am the world’s expert on being numb. Being negative. Hating myself. Self-sabotaging. Its pitiful and utterly ridiculous.
All I ever wanted was to use this blog as a platform for helping others to transform their lives by being an example . Its all about eliciting and challenging change. I wanted to be a good example because how can you preach something that you’ve been unable to master in your own life? I’ve been truly determined at times, hopeful even and its all come to nought. I’m so stuck that I cannot even summon up false promises or empty dreams.
I need a miracle . The saddest thing is that I do not even have the energy or the ability to focus on God sufficiently long for my faith to make a significant impact. I’m literally going through the motions of the things I need to do in order to survive. I do for my family what I can but its the minimum and its all based on familiarity and containable activities that don’t push me physically or mentally. I’m fortunate to have a husband who is around to catch me and who doesn’t make any demands on me. The rest of my family have learned to adapt to my lifestyle choices and whilst it frustrates them, they love me enough to give me the leeway I tacitly require. They all know how much better my life could be and how that would impact favourably not only me , but them too. They also know that they cannot push me , that my stubbornness and addiction to habits and routines are near impossible to crack so they take the path of least resistance. I know that they pity me. I have made empty promises ( sincere at the time, believe me ), always display clarity and self-awareness of the situation , occasionally talk about my misgivings and fears but they know and I know that nothing will be done to rectify things. I’m sure that they have given up.
This may be a gossamer thread of hope but I haven’t quite given up yet.
https://www.verywellmind.com/brain-starvation-and-recovery-in-anorexia-nervosa-1138303
