I was listening to an interview with Brene Brown recently and a section of the podcast resonated so deeply with me . Brown spoke about the difference between ’ fitting in ’ versus ’ belonging ’. It struck me that for most of my life, I have felt uncomfortable in most situations and many times I have suffered from imposter syndrome. I feel such an abnormally strong need to prove my sincerity , to make it clear that I am not fake and that my responses are genuine. Which they are by the way. Why then do I think that this would even be called into question by any other parties involved? I loathe my birthday for this very reason because at the end of the day I am emotionally exhausted after over-enthusing to everyone just how grateful I am that they have remembered and thought of me. My very actions in trying to prove my sincerity must at times reek of insincerity, so effusive and over the top they are! I think I know where this stems from because its to over compensate for a mother who was always ungrateful and dissatisfied with any present she was ever given. She was far too narcissistic to spare the giver of any sense that their gift was inadequate or not good enough. She never quite got it that the thought was what counted and that one expressed gratitude to the giver no matter what the gift happened to be.
Back to belonging vs fitting in. Firstly, you can belong to a group or family by being a member but this doesn’t automatically qualify you to fit in. One might assume that by association, you fit in especially where the choice was yours to join a particular group. Obviously one cannot choose one’s family and it is quite common for a member not to fit in. ’ Black Sheep ’ was the old fashioned term for someone who either didn’t conform to certain patterns or choices made by other members of the family but I argue that the person could still feel that they belonged or fitted into the family despite their alternative views. For me, I belong to a family but even within my own family, especially extended family, I can never fully relax and slot in with ease.
If I feel that I don’t fit in anywhere, surely then this must have something to do with my behaviour and thought patterns, something that I am doing and that I am my own stumbling block to ever fitting in? This definitely requires some in-depth searching and a deeper delve into what it is that holds me back and has done so all of my life.
