Feeling excited to start this challenge having reached the conclusion that it is no longer feasible, advantageous or comfortable for me to remain in this limbo of semi-starvation – a prisoner of choices that are causing ructions and distress amongst members of my family because of the way my ED affects them. Some of them laid down the gauntlet and whilst not offering me an ultimatum, inferred that they would prefer me to at least make an effort to change some of the behaviours that they felt were impacting upon them. Of course there is part of me that would prefer unconditional love and acceptance no matter what my peculiarities or behavioural patterns are. However, there is a bigger part of me that acknowledges that they are right , that these changes I make will give me freedom and in so doing, it will impact favourably on them. Ultimately it has to be about me, about what I want because as noble as it sounds to drastically change for someone else, yet I’m not sure if those changes would be as firm or long lasting as when the motivation for change is because I know I need it and I want it.
There is a new element to this desire to put on weight. I am actually just a little bit curious as to what it might feel like when I am a healthier weight. I think that I am so worn down, so broken and tired of feeling alienated, lacking energy and restricted in all I think and do. I’m concerned about my brain and the fact that it has probably shrunk and that it requires all the energy I produce to literally just survive and anything more that I ask of it is just not possible. I’m tired of never being spontaneous, living in and for the moment, enjoying times away from the rituals and routines without always feeling the compunction to return to my little safe space to indulge in the ED behaviour. I have been controlled by this ED for most of my life and I am just so weary of literally just existing , not enjoying life as it should be lived and missing out on all those moments and memories that I might need to draw on as I end my days.
After fooling myself that I need this ED to feel like I am in control,( biggest lie to tell myself as it is clearly the one pulling the strings ) I need to take back my control and smash it on its head. Its robbed me of so much and the time has come to say, ” No more. ”
Current Weight : 44.1 kgs = 97.2 pounds = 6.9 stones.
Current height: 167 cms = 5’ 6”
Waist: 61 cms = 24”
Thigh: 43 cms = 17”
Upper arm: 21 cms = 8 1/4 ”
Hips: 76 cms = 30”
I haven’t eaten breakfast for years. I have just had a large mug of tea every morning. I know that this is a habit I need to break in order to gain weight. This morning I had a bowl of mixed, chopped fruit, 3-4 tablespoons of greek yoghurt, a handful of cereal and seeds and whole milk, followed by a prune and a dried apricot and turmeric chai.
I always have a cup of coffee at 10.30am together with a very ritualistic habit of 2 teaspoons of granola , placed on a plate and eaten with a licked finger , slowly and deliberately. This is always followed by the edge broken off two types of breakfast biscuits that I buy in France. I never eat a whole piece of anything. EVER. The practise in itself is as disturbing as the behaviour and needs addressing. Sadly, I never achieved that today but my instinct was to drop the habit completely because I still felt full from breakfast, so at least I did eat something with my coffee. The quest will be to eat a whole biscuit or something else in its entirety that will undo the habit and also add calories.
Lunch too, was habitual although I definitely increased the quantities of the food I was eating. so here again, its the ritualistic behaviour that I am struggling to give up. Although I tend to be a little more flexible with my dinner choices, yet they too, are within the confines of acceptable choices that in the past have enabled me to maintain my weight without any fear of putting any on.
Talking of weight: I always think of putting on weight as ’ gaining ‘weight instead of looking at it as ‘regaining ‘or restoring weight that I have lost either by design or inadvertently . Until I am at an acceptable , healthy weight, any weight gain should not be regarded in the same way that a healthy person of normal weight would look at piling on the pounds. By adopting this rigid and restrictive diet of the same foods, eaten in the same way, at the same time etc has meant that I haven’t had that unfounded fear that if I start putting on weight, then things will spiral out of control and I will be as big as a house. Intellectually, I know that this will never happen and yet that fear still remains, hence the repetitive behaviour and practices. Or so I have been telling myself all these years……
Dinner consisted of a courgette cut in half and stuffed with rice, lentils , feta and blue cheese , together with baked sweet potato, brinjal, red pepper and fennel topped with 2 poached eggs. This was followed by a couple of spoons of baked custard, rice pudding and pear cafloutis and 3 squares of chocolate, never forgetting about the customary glass of merlot!
Day One under my belt, a little wobbly but on course .
