I made the fatal error of weighing myself first thing on Day 3. In 2 short days, I have leapt from 44.1 kgs to 45.4 kgs and being entirely honest, my reaction hasn’t been good. In that split second of looking down at the scale, all my fears were confirmed. I am immediately telling myself that this is what I fear most, this enormous gain after only 2 days and therefore I have already lost control and it will just continue spiralling at an astronomical rate etc etc. I then had the tussle between knowing that I had to eat breakfast and therefore perpetuate this myth or skip it and fall backwards before I have given this a chance. I did eat breakfast but then hasten to add that I failed on Day 4 and skipped the meal altogether. I had fully intended to make myself a smoothie after cycling to the river for an early morning swim but when I returned, it was already past my normal breakfast time so I had that internal dialogue about ” If I eat now, its too close to lunch and I won’t feel like lunch, bla, bla, bla ”. Bottom line is that I will find any excuse to revert back to the same old practices when in the moment. It is when I face the real issues head-first thereafter and have an internal dialogue about my false assumptions versus what I know to be actual, that I stand any chance of overcoming this ED. Intellectually , I know that this rapid weight gain is to be entirely expected and that it is just temporary and will in no way become the prognosis for the weeks and certainly months ahead. Just as with weight loss, the first days and weeks will always be drastic before the body adjusts to the changes and adapts accordingly. What I extrapolate from this is that it is perhaps not a good idea to weigh oneself too often. Once a week is possibly better. However, in my mind, this leads to unfounded fears and may illicit some compensatory behaviour ( ie. more exercise, less quantities of food ) so as not to put on weight – even though I know that I have to put on weight. And so the cycle of self destruction continues…..
What keeps driving me right now and is the reason that despite a slip I won’t give up, is the critical nature of my mission. I know that if I fail, again, my self loathing and self-recrimination will be off the chart and that the feelings of shame and failure will be more unbearable than putting on pounds. Right now there is no alternative . I HAVE to make it this time. No ifs, no buts.
