At some point or even at several points in one’s life one will ask or be asked the question : “ Did you ever imagine your life would turn out the way it has? “ I don’t know what the statistics are but there are a few responses one could have. If one is fortunate enough to have had goals in mind, planned them meticulously and been able to bring them to fruition, hats off to those select individuals. Others may have gone where the wind has taken them and been perfectly happy with the outcome. Those with plans may have had them thwarted and through no fault of their own, had circumstances and events occur that have placed them in a different trajectory that they have found hard to accept. Then there are those who make poor decisions and have bad outcomes.
My blogs have been all about choices. The fact is that for the most part, if we have been free to make our own choices , we are responsible for the outcome of those choices, both good and bad. If we haven’t thought things through sufficiently or made impulsive choices that then turn around to bite us, the onus is on us, right? The tragedy is that when things turned out badly, none of us expected negative outcomes – one enters into these decisions with good faith and the hope that things will be sweet and work out well with minimal damage and maximum gains.
For most of us, if not all of us, recent global events have impacted and continue to impact us. The pandemic has made a significant change in all our lives and the effects have been lasting. The various wars, whilst perhaps not in our own countries have affected us emotionally, economically and morally and the world is in political upheaval. As a baby boomer, I have seen seismic changes in people’s attitudes, opinions and ways of thinking and doing. Some of it has been necessary and good but a lot of it is difficult to get one’s head around and is at times, quite frankly, utterly bonkers! Its bad enough having to contend with peripheral decisions ( especially those made by governments and politicians ) that affect one’s life but when this is compounded by poor choices that we have made personally, things can get significantly worse than one could ever have imagined.
This is indeed the current situation in my life. There are times when I am incredulous that things are so bad but what do I expect if I have contributed in some part to my sorry state of affairs ? Even though I am aware of this, when one receives one knock after the other with no respite , of course one questions why bad things keep happening and why one just can’t seem to catch a break. It’s easy in this mode to adopt a victim mentality and to feel very sorry for oneself. It’s also understandable but it doesn’t help the situation. If anything, it makes things worse. However, its so difficult to be positive, to find hope or to turn things around when some of it isn’t in one’s control and one feels that one is doing everything humanly possible to advance one’s position in an attempt to extricate oneself from certain scenarios. How does one distinguish between situations that are as a result of bad choices and those that are simply plain difficult and challenging despite one’s best efforts? Also, is it helpful to beat oneself up about poor decisions that one made that have now landed one in hot water ? To have regrets and cry over spilt milk doesn’t change or enhance things one bit . All it serves is to make one feel even worse about oneself. But if one doesn’t reflect and address those choices, how then will we learn to make different and better choices in the future?
Getting bogged down in the whys and wherefores is not going to alter one’s current status or magically make everything right. How to go forward is the key and when the odds are stacked against one, it takes a certain type of person to remain positive and optimistic , something that I am not. At the times when I am not directly addressing my circumstances, I tend to opt for my go-to zone – avoidance and being numb. Also known as being stuck. Unless something out of my control occurs, some good news or good fortune that could be the catalyst towards a different attitude and thinking, I am finding it nigh impossible to motivate myself , as is my wont.
I’m definitely a stuck record , it’s always the same old-same old with me. How many years have I been bleating on about change? How long will I keep singing from the same song sheet? However this time it IS slightly different in that I have been pro-active and consciously seeking a change of circumstances , working diligently towards it in certain areas, doing everything I can to facilitate a change in my living conditions. The fact that distance, the housing market, the cost of living and other factors are issues that are not in my control, makes any plans or desires of mine weak and fragile at best, unattainable at worst. This keeps me firmly in this rut, this life that I could never have imagined I would have ended up in.
The scariest question of all is: Given the chance to start again, would you do it differently ? Of course I want to say I would. But would I??
